May 1998

'Some men get the world. Others get x-hookers and a trip to Arizona…'
-Kim Basinger, L.A Confidential.

It's a big, bad world out there. Lots of boogie men. Lots prima donna serial artists auditioning for Star Search. Everyone's selling and buying, buying and selling, it's crazy. Over and under, under and over. You've got to know the secret handshake. You've got to know there's another way out before you go in.

I had this dream the other night. Satan was in my television. His head was spinning around and he was speaking Spanish. They call the devil Diablo in Spanish. It's much more dignified. After a while Satan's head flew off and trees and plants started to grow out of his neck. This was followed by a vague period of clouds and fast-forward type weather. When everything came to a roaring halt there was a 7-11 in the middle of the trees and plants. I went in and got a burrito. They call those burritos in Spanish. Then I woke up.

Some people think that dreams are a reflection of the subconscious. That was the first thing I thought about when I rolled out of bed. I did some unofficial research and discovered the following facts. Most people between the age of 15 and 35 dream about sex 75% of the time. The second most popular topic covers past traumas that occurred to the dreamer. The third most popular topic involves the dreamer assuming some position of power, authority, or fame. Way down the list at 1,354,765 was dreams about the devil's head spinning around and then flying off only to be replaced by a convenience store. The whole burrito thing doesn't even enter into it at all. It's safe to say that, after finding this out, I really had no intention of jumping, but it took the police a good 45 minutes to talk me down.

Riddle me this. If you took all the days from the beginning of time until the end of time and had to make one of those Christmas Calendars with the chocolates inside, which day's door would be the biggest? I ran that by Dave King and he had this to say 'that's impossible, because time is infinite. The universe is never ending, so the question can't be answered.' Smart ass writers. So then he says 'and what does it matter which door's the biggest?' So I had to explain to him that at Christmas we used to get these calendars filled with chocolates. Each day had a door and the biggest door was Christmas Eve. I think Dave's depraved childhood caught up with him right about there because he was all out of smart ass comments after that. Thinking about it later I suddenly realized my own answer to this question. Obviously, Satan's head spinning around talking in Spanish would be behind the big door. Felize Navidad, Felize Navidad, Felize Navidad, and so on.

Millimeter. I love that word. Zillion is another excellent word. I've got a Zillion Millimeters. Oh my. For some strange reason I thought that 'zillion' was an actual numerical representation. I looked it up and discovered that it's just slang for a google. Google is a generic word used to describe large numbers, or more correctly, 1030 . You'd think that math genius types could come up with better sounding words for these things. Zillion and millimeter are a good example of cool sounding words. Whereas 'google' sounds more like a weird kind of pencil that grade three kids absolutely have to own (actually it's a guy's name). Why not use terms like Mathemillitron or Octivator. At least they sound like they could be important (or the names of super robots that live on some cool machine planet beyond the reaches of our galaxy). Math could have been fun, if only.

Wouldn't that be something. Open your textbooks to page 116, we're going to learn about Godzillatrons today. Instead of some x's and y's, you'd have to draw a picture of a large lizard-like robo-machine eating the entire population of downtown Tokyo. Math tests would be the highlight of your day. Shit, I'd still be in school. Slip with me into a dream…

Problem 12: If Godzillatron stormed downtown Tokyo and ate one quarter of the people, how many people would be left to take up arms and try to stop him?

Problem 13: If Godzillatron destroyed one half of all the high rises in Tokyo with his flame breath, how many people would he have killed? (for extra credit: how many people would be crushed by falling debris?)

Problem 14: If Godzillatron fought Quadradikong in the middle of downtown New York, A) which one would crush more people if they were knocked over? B) which one could eat 1/100th of the local population per mouthful?

History could have been different. Instead, you've got x's and y's and quadratic equations flying around in a void of super boredom. All of the secrets of the universe could have been revealed to us through the various shapes and names of robo-machines. Alas, life has never been fair. Why should it change now. The next time you use a calculator remember one thing. Instead of punching up numbers and adding or multiplying them, you could of had two machine creatures running across that little screen eating tiny people. Eventually they would spit the answer out and, with big smiles on their faces, proceed to fight each other to the death. There really isn't any death in math land. Just repairs. That's why they're robo-machines, because they can always come back. Imagine Einstein's notes on relativity if things had been different. That would have been one kick ass robo streak of mayhem.

Instead, I'm dreaming of spinning Satanic heads speaking Spanish that turn into Seven Eleven's. Fish with no eyes, birds with two heads that try to fly in both directions at once. It's all mixed up. There was a time when everything made sense, but it's over now. Lost forever under the cloaked guise of fast food that isn't all that fast, and mini-malls that aren't for tiny people. Sometimes I wonder where to go next. And then in dawns on me that tomorrow is new day. That's just the way the world works. It only spins in one direction for some reason.

Your Questions. My Answers. Dial 1-900-Idiot-Savant.

1) I have to apologize for the slacking that's been taking place on our web site. It seems the money that we pay to keep the computer guru's working away isn't what they want. I wonder what it is that they want? Maybe they'd prefer gum balls instead or gold chocolate coins. I mean, who wouldn't?

2) As the world turns. Americans beware. Things have changed. Underdogs will be available in August now. Is it just me or are people just a big let down this month?

3) To the sign thieves in Edmonton. It's okay, we really didn't have any use for it anyway.

4) Thanks for the e-mails from Australia everyone. You're all freaking nuts.

5) I passed along the request to Dave concerning the 'rubbing of fan mail all over his naked body'. Dave, as usual, was up for it and spent a good three hours rolling around on the floor covered in letters and e-mails. Sometimes I worry for him.

6) FOR SALE: one 1967 Fender Mustang as seen in the Automatic video. Brand spanking new frets and a new double coil in the back position. Want it? 1000.00$ and it's yours.

7) # 6 was shameless.

8) As usual we'd like to thank everyone who writes in to us. I can assure you that your letters and e-mails are read, though sometimes it's difficult to answer back to everyone individually. This then, is my cheap and lame way of doing it for everyone.

Attention: 5000 lucky people will be able to buy a three song release of b-sides at HMV with the purchase of Underdogs. What's cool about this little recording is that it contains a very new wave cover of Enjoy The Silence, which may or may not cause you to break into hysterics. Good hunting.