July 2000

They say I've lost it. Maybe they're right. Everyone's got an opinion they say. Everyone's got the right to think whatever it is they like. So you know what, smooches - fuck you, the horse you rode in on, and your opinion. That's my opinion.


Come in.

I am dreaming of happy Pandas. A whole field full of happy Pandas. I am beside myself. I am entirely myself. I am going to set myself on fire. Just you wait and see.

Steve loves the Shopping Cart guy from Uridium 5. You know, we never did get that right. I looked it up and it's not URIDIUM 5, it's URIDIUM 15. Steve says that he does not care, it makes him happy none the less. Just like the Pandas make me happy. We are all very happy eggs. Yes, indeed we are. Sometimes you've just got to say 'THE HELL WITH IT ALL!' and leave it at that. Sometimes you've got to remember to turn the stove off before you go to bed. It depends.

My father doesn't like it when I use profanity. Especially when it turns perfectly good sentences into perfectly disastrous sentences. For example:

example A) 'Good try.'
example B) 'Holy fucking shit you gimpy fuck, what the fuck was that?!'

Maybe Dad's got a point there.

The other day I came to the conclusion that it would be best to gather up all of my things and burn them. I will be happier for it, you see. I have decided to become a nomad. I am not exactly sure why I have decided to become a nomad but the decision seems quite nomadic in itself. I am going to live in a tent in the bushes behind the Hasty Mart. That way people will talk about me and my urban legend will live on into the ages. I will dine on domesticated pets, weave sweaters from the golden locks of little girls, and fashion boots from the skin of drunken high school students whom I will trap as they stumble down the streets of my town in the middle of the night. I will be feared and hated by all. It will be great.

I have yet to burn my phone though. I have talked to almost everyone that I know today so that I might have fond recollections of my wonderful phone before I melt it. Wanna listen?

Dave King: Today Dave came to the conclusion that owning scented candles does not necessarily make you effeminate. He also left the house for the first time in eleven days.
Dave Genn: Today Dave threw his back out and spent the remainder of it out of his skull on muscle relaxants.
My Mother: Told me everything that Coco did this week.
My Sister: Told me everything that Coco did this week.
Steve: Today Steve and I grunted like pigs (as we are usually known to do).
Gilly: Today Gilly called me from San Diego and proceeded to inundate me with changeless weather updates. We than spent the better part of twenty five minutes arguing about FIFA 2000 predominance.
Rich: Rich called me this morning and woke me up. I have no recollection of what he, or I, said.
Ian: Today Ian and I talked about purchasing wire guided missile launchers and blowing up ambulances.
Amanda: Today Amanda and I talked about the virtues of strong teeth and gums.
Tom: Today the Mumbler and I talked about Jackasses before moving on to something about SHAZAM!
Dave Porter: Today Dave left a message and I didn't call him back on purpose.
Ivar: Today Ivar and I talked about mechanical bulls.
Bill: I didn't talk to the Power Gnome today, but I'm giving him the finger right now.
My Mother Again: Told me everything that Coco did this week.
Christi: Today, like every day, Christi called my and filled me in on my schedule. Tonight she will call me and give me a brief run down on what I will have to do tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I will call her as soon as I wake up because I will have forgotten by then.
Someone From Sprint Canada: Today I talked with Laurie from Sprint. Laurie is only working there because she's trying to save up enough money to go to school. I told her that I did not want to save on my long distance. We parted ways after that.
Timberly Baker: Today Bakes called me and left an incoherent message on my machine as he always does. Then again - being that he's from Dorset is somewhat of a 'life-handicap'.
Warne: Today Livesey and I spoke at great length about the time machine that we're building in his garage.
My Mother Again: Left a message telling me about everything that Coco did this week.
Coco: Told me that I would be a big let down as an uncle if I did not promptly purchase him several Pit-Droids for his ever expanding Star Wars collection. He also told me that he broke the Light Saber that I got him for Christmas because he saw a better one and figured it would be a good way to upgrade through guilt.
My Father: Today my Dad called and we talked about England's side for Euro 2000. (Add one hour and thirty minutes worth of profanity and critical analysis and stir).
Pat: Pat's been dead for fourteen years but she still calls a couple times a week to see how I am.
Wrong Number: Nothing to report.
Ken: Ken called and then forgot what it was he wanted to ask me.
Mac: Mac called and told me that he and Leslie are getting married this fall. (You're a brave one Les).
Rich: Archie called me back and asked me if I had made up my mind. Feeling rather stupid about the fact that I couldn't recall our earlier conversation, I told him to go ahead with whatever it was he wanted to go ahead with.
Ken: Ken called back because he remembered what it was that he wanted to ask me.
Stew: Called to see what was going on and we came to the conclusion that we'd talk later if anything did come up. We've been doing that for the better part of fifteen years.
Amanda: Called and asked if I had ever @#$%^&*!@#$%^&*!@#$%^& before. I told her that I had read about it but that it scared me somewhat without the use of an environment suit and salad tongs.
Amanda: I called her back because I would have been an idiot to turn her down.
My Mother Again: My mother tried to tell me something about Coco while I attempted to hang up because it was imperative that I get to Amanda's as fast as humanly possible.
Stew: Called back. I told him that something definitely had come up.

~transfer to mobile phone~

Lenny: Hodgins called. So I told him never to call again.
My Mother Again: I told her to call Lenny and ask him to repeat what I had just told him.
Amanda: Called to tell me to hurry up.
Dave Genn: Dave, completely out if his mind on muscle relaxants, thought I was his mother. So I told him that he was adopted and then hung up.
Ray: Ray called. We talked. It's none of your business really.

~transfer to Amanda's phone~

Amanda's mother: Called just as I arrived. So I watched some television. I eventually fell asleep on the couch after about an hour. I woke up at 2am and drove home. And, when I got there, I called her place, waited for her to answer, and then hung up.

How's That Idiocy Coming By The Way?

I will destroy. You will obey. That's the way it has to be. You'll make the lemonade and I'll ensure that no other lemonade stand stands in our way. We will wear terrific Panda suits. We will have a secret hand shake. We'll stick to the plan. I will destroy. You will obey. That's the way it's going to have to be. Pouting about it won't change anything. Pouting about it will only make you look like an unhappy Panda and we can't be having that. So you should think before you speak. You should consider your options before you decide to become an unhappy Panda. Because you don't want to know what happens to Pandas that aren't happy. So you'd best be careful.

Don't worry though. This is just us talking. This is just us coming together at the head. Like Siamese twins, like two happy peas in a pod. You would not like it if we were to do the other routine. There are no happy Pandas to be had in that one. Not at all. No mention of Pandas whatsoever. Just unpleasantness that I would rather avoid. So keep smiling. Always remember to keep smiling. Whatever will be, will be. There is nothing more pathetic than a sore loser. So keep smiling. Everything will take care of itself. Thank goodness.

I'm tired now. I am going to go to bed. I don't much feel like being your friend anymore. The good old days are gone. Best to get on board with the depravity of the here and now. The world consumes, the world revolves, the world will someday come to and end. If not by us, then pulverized by the sun. The mysteries of the universe revealed with no time to study the data and reach an outcome, the sun will go out and all creatures great and small will be helpless against the unknowns of life. So why are you so worried? Why don't you go have some drinks, get laid, get back, get something. After everything has been done, been bought, sold, produced, consumed, recycled, re-packaged, and re-sold, you will have gained nothing by floundering about trying to change things that cannot be changed. The little things exist only so that the important ones never get touched upon. That's why you can wear leather shoes and, at the same time, refuse to eat beef. Because we are all, every one of us, ridiculous. And we've elected you our leader.

I am going to go lay in bed and wait for the hands of impossibility to come strangle me. I am going to smile at my ceiling and sing the song of our undoing. I will wear my Panda pajamas. I will think of you often when I get to where it is that I'm going. Everything will be fine. Just you wait and see. Just you wait and see.