November 1998

Thanks For Flying With Us!

Before take off please ensure that your seat belt is securely fastened and your seat and table tray are in the 'upright' and 'locked' positions. None of these precautions will prevent bodily harm in the event of an emergency, but may provide you with a false sense of being very important things to do. Such importance will provide you with the appearance that such details are serious enough to comply with as they might actually be a factor in whether you live or die in the event of a crash. Several tons of burning metal and fuel aside, your tray table could always cut you in half if you should happen to survive plummeting from thirty thousand feet trapped in a flaming ball of hell-fire. Ensuring that your seat is fully forward will also allow the person sitting behind you to perish with sufficient leg room. For those passengers flying in our Business and First Class cabins, you may now commence doing whatever you like.

In the unlikely event of an emergency, please try to remain calm. It's unlikely that two to five seconds will be long enough for you to feel real terror, but in the event of a slow, burning descent we ask that you remain in your seat. You might consider listening to some soothing new age music in such circumstances using your complimentary head set (channel 4). In the event of a water landing please remember to follow the lights on the cabin floor to the nearest exit. If, in a panic, you forget that your seat cushion was supposed to be your floatation device, we recommend using several dead bodies lashed together to provide buoyancy. If, at any time, the cabin is de-pressurized please DO NOT used the oxygen masks provided as they are merely for show.

We would also like to point out that, as per your purchasers agreement, your life while on this aircraft is equal to the price of your airfare. Those seated in our Business and First Class cabins are worth more than those seated in coach, so in the event of a fire all passengers in these more expensive areas will be de-planed first. This, of course, includes their pets and any expensive special baggage that they might have as well. For those traveling in coach we ask that you de-plane immediately following these passengers, and highly recommend leaving any excess baggage on the plane.

We'd like to thank you for flying with us and hope that you have a pleasant flight.

The Purple Switch.

There's a storm out there. Making for land like a runaway train. You can feel it when you breathe in. It's like breathing in an absolute silence to produce an absolute exasperation. It'll jab and then it'll use the hook. And it can dance like a fucking ballerina, so you can forget about getting some back. The thing with this storm is that it won't let up when you're down on that mat wondering what day of the week it is while you fish around in your blood filled mouth for a couple of free teeth. It really doesn't care. It didn't come to prove anything to you. It came because it knew that there would be nothing to stop it...

In the recesses of our tiny heads there are a million little rabbits flipping millions of switches. Each switch sends a tiny impulse to the master rabbit who, in turn, flips one of seven larger switches that are located in his big bubble-dome control center. Each of these switches is a different colour. Red, blue, green, yellow, white, black, and purple. These 'master' switches send electronic impulses to different parts of your body, telling you what to do next. Since the beginning of time, these seven primary switches have allowed the rabbit masters to perform their tasks quite routinely. Each colour represents a specific body function or psychological domain. Red, for example, controls the emotional responses, while blue serves as the subconscious. Of the seven switches, the rabbit masters commonly use five of them (those being the red, blue, green, yellow, and white ones). It's a very rare thing for the black switch to be used. Even rarer is the purple switch. To be quite honest with you, no one's quite sure what that one does.

The black and white switches are the most interesting of all the switches. The white switch, or 'angel switch', represents the 'good' you, while the black switch represents the 'evil' you. Unlike the other switches, which allow the rabbit masters to activate specific functions themselves, the black and white switches serve the rabbit masters like communication conduits. When a rabbit master flips the white switch they send a message to what they call the 'inner angel' (or the good you). Unlike your inner demon, the rabbit masters allow your inner angel free range throughout your body because they're extremely helpful and often promote stability and good-will. So when the white switch is thrown, the rabbit masters are just alerting the 'inner angels' about something, kind of like a telephone call. The black switch, on the other hand, operates more like a massive electronic pulse. You see, your inner demon is actually trapped in a tiny little cage deep within your body. He can't escape from this cage, but he does have the ability to converse with those working around him. So, from time to time, your demon will convince some of your lesser rabbits to stage a revolt or do something to anger the rabbit master. When this happens the rabbit master flips the black switch which shocks the inner demon quite severely. The strange thing about your inner demon, which is a little known fact, is this. Of all the evil things they convince those lesser rabbits to do on their behalf, the most common action is to flip the purple switch. And this presents a very profound dilemma. You see, like I said before, no one knows what the hell the purple switch does.

There are many rabbits masters that believe the purple switch has something to do with the 90% of your brain that you never use. Others contend that it's the death switch, as no rabbit master lives on after their 'charge' (which is you, by the way) dies. So no one's quite sure what it does. One thing is for certain though. The Handbook strictly states that the purple switch is not to be pulled under any circumstance. No matter what transpires, the purple switch must remain in the 'up' position. No one knows why, but everyone obeys. So, since the beginning of time, no purple switch has even been thrown. And no one ever talks about it, either. No one, that is, except for your inner demon.

Getting back to your inner angel and demon for a minute - you should know that since man first crawled out of the ocean and stood upright, the demon has always been locked in a cage and the angel has always been allowed to run around as free as a bird. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they hate each other. Quite the opposite, in fact. When your angel isn't busy putting on 'motivational seminars' for your little rabbits he can usually be found talking to your demon. They usually get along quite well. This most likely stems from the fact that both realize what the purpose of the other is. Without one the other wouldn't exist, so how can they hate each other. If there wasn't a demon in you why would you need an angel? The rabbits would just go about their work and that would be that. But someone decided it would be a riot to put those two extra little guys in there. So they're there, and that's that. It's what they talk about 99% of the time that's so interesting.

Most rabbit masters know that the angels and demons talk incessantly about the purple switch. They control your brain, so it's only obvious that they're all knowing and all seeing. What perplexes them is why do they always talk about it? To be quite honest, most rabbit masters wonder what the hell you need an angel and a demon for in the first place. Things would be a hell of a lot of easier if both didn't exist. So it's no uncommon for rabbit masters to be suspicious. But no rabbit master has been able to figure it out. The handbook says that no one is allowed to enter the bubble-dome control center except for other rabbits, so they're obviously not planning an assault on the bubble-dome. Unless, that is, the demon and the angel don't follow the guidelines set forth in the handbook. Maybe the angel is the one telling those lesser rabbits to listen to the demon. Maybe they both know that one is above suspicion and the other will always be viewed as terminally guilty of everything. So there's a possibility that they've been working together all this time. Which brings us back to the purple switch again. Which, as I've mentioned several times now, is a complete mystery to everyone except whoever wrote the handbook. But that just poses another problem altogether because no one knows who wrote the handbook.

Your demon and your angel know about the handbook. They might have even read it once or twice. But that doesn't mean they believe any of it. They're quite convinced that the rabbits wrote the book and use it to keep everyone in line. The rabbit masters, on the other hand, have never questioned the validity of the handbook, despite the fact that they have no idea who wrote it. The handbook has always existed and will always be followed no matter what. If the handbook says that the purple switch is never to be thrown, then that's their goal. It doesn't matter to them that two non-rabbits keep bringing it up day in and day out. The rabbit masters know damn well that they can't do anything about it themselves. No one's allowed in the bubble-dome except rabbits. That's the rule.

So for your whole life this endless dance happens deep within your body. The little rabbits throw all those little switches which send messages to the rabbit masters. They, in turn, throw the master switches that make you do the things you do. And amongst all of that your inner angel and your inner demon do their own thing and spend their weekends talking about the purple switch. It'll continue on like that until you're dead. Free will versus learned restraint. One day maybe, somewhere that's not here, someone will flip that purple switch. No one knows what will happen, but I have a feeling that it'll be something that undoes everything that's been done. And maybe, like Oz, there'll be a feeble old man behind the curtain (most likely wearing a rabbit suit). So if you're the one, if you get there before the rest of us, don't forget to pick up our courage, some heart, and our living essence. The rest of us will meet you at home.

There's a storm out there. Making for land like a runaway train.

Some Updates:

Due to the fact that this site was off-line for a while, the following changes have been made.

1. Applications for Mattopian citizenship will be accepted until January 20th. See October 1998 Manifesto for the application form. (If you filled out the old one and sent it in you're going to have to redo your application using the new form).

2. Votes concerning the most controversial Manifestos of all time (as listed in the October 1998 Manifesto) will be calculated as of November. So I'll start adding the winning manifesto in starting December 1st.

Your Questions, My Answers. Dial 1-900-Idiot-Savant.

Happy Birthday Tara.

1] This is for the kid wondering which record Apparitions is on. The name of the album is 'Bark At The Moon'. Sorry for any confusion there.

2] Cool Mary.

3] Marco. That's an excellent idea. I think I'd make a kick ass talk show host side kick.

4]No. I have no intention of starting my own religion. Nor do I think that people revere me like some cult leader. I would, on the other hand, enjoy commanding my own army of the undead. But what are the chances of that happening any time soon?

5] Sean from Coq. Good choice. I was in 89.

6] Bunk beds. All right!

7] Jamie wrote in with the following questions. Here are the answers.

    A] What happened to the website?
      We changed servers and had some problems getting some things switched over at a company in the states.

    B] Why do you always give smart ass answers?

      I'm a smart ass.

    C] Why are you giving me snappy, smart ass answers?

      We've been over that.

    D] Is Prime Time Deliverance going to be a single?


    E] When are you going to make a video for Rico?

      Next week.

    F] Do you say 'she'll drive the vespa' in Rico?

      Basically, yes.

    G] Are you going to play around Vancouver again? When?

      New Years Eve, Plaza of Nations, Vancouver.

    H] Want to get drunk with me and my friends on my 19th birthday?

      Sorry, no.

    I] Do you like Pink Floyd?

      Anything before Waters left.

    J] Why do people waste their time criticizing you so much (like typing 500 page stories about how they hate you) if they hate you?

      I give smart ass answers.

    K] Will my ex take me back?

      I don't know. But I used to have one of those Yodas that you shook and it gave you answers about the future. It always worked for me.

    L] Why?

      Why not.

8] My favorite type of sushi is Toro.

9] Emily. You should have held on to those games.

10] What does Prime Time Deliverance mean Ed? It's a song about what happens when you flip between three channels really fast and begin to think that they're all one show.

11] Answers for Kelly:

    A] Yes, the application has changed. You have to submit a new one.
    B] Probably a large skeleton that shoots fire out the eyes.
    C] Probably not for a while.
    D] I agree, it's not really a question.
    E] History.
    F] Bill.
    G] New album hopefully by early next summer.
    H] What I always do.
    I] I'd interview hobos and make it a travel show. Probably Frank Black (if he'd do it, that is).
    J] I think both of them suck, so none of them.

It's November.

Ever time I walk into a convenience store to get a root beer popsicle or some grape Hubba-Bubba I realize that I could have been reporting for political re-education instead. My grandfather, and a great many other Canadian service men and women, insured that I'd get my yummy treats.

Here's some math for you:

The population of Canada in 1979 = 23 million. (sorry, my atlas is old).
Approximate number of fatalities during World War 2 = 50-55 million.
That's everyone in Canada (in 1979) killed two and a half times. Or, every male killed four and half times, including children. Concluding the equation we find that: 23,000,000 x 2.5 (or x 4.5 males) = 1 minute of silence.

Give It Up For 'The Dude'.

The band would like to extend its thanks to Len Hodgins for his long hours of work. Without The Dude, our ship would be more like a dingy.